In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
