Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
