his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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