I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
