Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You can't special order awesome
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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