Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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