My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
