so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
