My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
