just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
