My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
