I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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