Michael Bay diarrhea
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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