If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
