dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
