How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
