9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
