the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
