you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
