i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
