i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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