he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
