so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
