one word: firstdatebathroomanal
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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