fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
