Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
