woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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