OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
