When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
