I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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