your parents love me but you hate me
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
