I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So. Much. Porn.
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