i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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