I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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