Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
