put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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