But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
