guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
