Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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