Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
