we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
