k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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