I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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