census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
