I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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