can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
