Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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