I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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