I wish I could teleport
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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