some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
