So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
