Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
MIDGETS
????
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Floor bacon is actually really good
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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